My Words For December
I moved into the studio, tried to figure out what I’ll actually be doing to make this exhibition possible
Each day I would come in, do butoh and I plan my moves
One day I tried shooting some self portraits and all of them looked like selfies or they were out of focus and it frustrated me so much, why couldn’t I do the things? My frustration that day took me to the floor, I cried so hard that day. I was so disappointed with myself that I wasn’t those one womxn productions that I’ve ‘seen’ other womxn be. I wasn’t black girl magic after all… lol
It hit me that I couldn’t do this alone. I had tried and I failed and failure felt like shit but that same failure freed me from wild expectations. That moment on the floor was then proceeded by a blessing from the Lord, I went online and I saw this summon suggested to me titled ‘Divine limitations’ by Wayne Chaney Jr and watching that gave me understanding and confidence going further.
21 November 2019
Sculpture Day 1
Today we started the sculpture everything was going well until they started with the plaster. They placed the plaster and before it was dry it was restricting my circulation. I was standing with my arms up and my leg barely touching the floor. I focused on my breathing, listening to my butoh playlist as everyone applied the plaster. Just before they finished laying the plaster, I was feeling faint and really weak but I kept looking in the mirror opposite me, in awe of what was happening. That ‘something’ I had drawn in my journal in January 2019 was becoming, the realization that I could actually create all the things I have imaged, really fucked me up.
So when the team was trying to tell me that it wasn’t safe to continue with the plastering because I couldn’t take standing in one spot any longer, I protested and told them to continue. After a while of obliging me they decide its time to cut off the plaster and the silicon. While cutting, the person cutting could not see whether they were cutting silicon or my skin so I was up to me to tell him if he’s cutting me. Due to all the things that I was experiencing I could not feel him cut through my flesh on both sides of my body and I kept insisting he needn’t stop, that I was fine… until blood ran down my leg. Even at this moment I could not feel the pain so I insisted but this time they overruled me and removed the plaster and silicon.
I learnt something about myself that day.
I am thankful for my team/loved ones that held me down that day.
After that day, everything had to be on a stand still. I couldn’t do butoh or barely move, it felt as though I was being brought to stillness so I allowed for it. The next day after the accident I went to the beach, read a book and took a walk by the shore. I had to rethink a lot of things because with all my ideas I hadn’t thought about my safety and to my surprise my safety is actually vital for all of this. There is no space for putting my body on the line. My body is an important site, one which deserves to be protected.
On the 24 of December, we did a shoot.
The shoot was to empower me and to bring me back into motion.
It is this motion, this internal kinetic energy that propelled me into the new year.